Getting used to live alone but not wanting to be alone~~~~

 Hello dear self, 

I am writing this so that i can read it later when i turn 30 or even 40 to have the memories refresh ahead. 

If you are not aware. Today is actually the third day of Syawal. Yeah. Because of the pandemic now, we cannot balik kampung due to MCO 3.0. This is the second year for me Raya alone here in Kelana Jaya. 

To be honest, i am not super sad cannot balik kampung. But, i am super missing my family especially my parents & my siblings. It could be nice if i can Raya together with them. Yeah, i'm not that sad because i get used to it. I get used to be alone, to live alone. Isn't scary? I think it is not healthy to get used of living alone. Sometimes, i thought i do not need anybody in my life except my family. But, come to realize quickly that someday my brothers & sisters might have their own family. Takkan i nak still sorang-sorang kan? Yeah, kadang-kadang i fikir macam tu. Tapi, bila nak fikir to have my own small family i jadi takut. i don't even know why. 

I get mixed feelings. Sometimes, i feel like i dont want to get married. Sometimes, i feel like i want to have at least someone to live with me. At least, we can take good care of each other. Hmmm... Very complicated tho. I do think that i am too late already to get married. Huhu. I am glad now i have my good friends around me but they are not bound to always stick around me. I cannot depend on them also. 

I am such a complicated person i guess. Haihh. 

Dear Sarah. If you read this in future and you still do not have somebody beside you. Just so you know. I hope you are okay and stay strong. I believe you are stronger than you think. But, if you already have somebody by your side please be happy as well...!! Live to the fullest! 

Always put yourself first. Your own happiness is your priority and your responsibility.

Be well. 

Happy 2021~~~~

Finally, it's 2021. I can't believe. I'm still here... surviving.... Everyone else.. people around me.. My friends. My family. Everyone is making progress in their lives.

 Some already settle down.. getting married.. having children, having their own house, car, good career. I'm very glad they all could achieve that. But sometimes i feel very jealous if to compare their lives with mine. 

I don't know. I feel like I just live everyday, surviving day to day hopelessly. I hope there is also HOPE and CHANCE for me to have a life like people around me. Living happily... Posting happiness, share it with everyone else. 

Unfortunately, i could not do it. Because, i got nothing to proud of, to show to everyone. At my age, i suppose to have a so called partner for life. But, look at me now.. I have no plus one yet. But, i somewhat not that dissapointed to have one. However, when i see somebody else is making progress. I get the feel which makes me feel kind of sad. "What a sad life." 

I'm reaching 29 very soon. To be exact 6 days to go before i turn 29. 

I really hope for the best of me in 2021. I want to make my parents happy. I do not want to overthink something. I just want to live my life grateful for what i have. What i achieve that not everyone could achieve. 

I always pray to God that i don't have it easy. Sometimes, I pray "Ya Allah, just test me.. Test me anything. so that i could never forget YOU and always remember that i am yours. I shall return to you soon. Please always guide me to the right path of YOURS." 

Everyday i hope to become more stronger than yesterday. I TRUST ALLAH'S PLAN for me. I know i will have something better. 

What i need to do now is pray, and wait for it. 

Sometimes, i really need motivation. 

Actually, i do need it now. That's why i am writing this. 

Please be nice to me 2021... Looking forward to create wonderful memories.. 

:)

❤