Lately ni aku macam kerap overthinking. Kenapa tak tahu. Semoga yang baik2 je untuk semua.
Aku dah 2 bulan buat rutin brisk walk. Awal-awal memang rasa berat nak consistent. Tapi sekarang rasa bersalah kalau tak buat. Semoga istiqomahhh laa Sarah oii.. Demi kesihatan fizikal dan mental kamuuu.. Heeee
Sekiannn
I learned something i wish i should have not known for the rest of my life. The regrets had made me overwhelming quite long time.. I guess my blood pressure higher than usual..
Why. When. What. Where.
The answers i wish they kept to themselves..
Almost 3 months i've been living with new housemates. The first one was the most chaotic one which leading me to ask her to move out myself. I told her to find other room within 2 weeks. Wah. I really cannot tahan with her. She's very young & i cannot keep up with her phase. We are 10 years in gap. Which is same as my fourth sister. I dont want to story too details about her. But what i can say is. Nobody like me can live with person like her. She made me having high blood pressure. No kidding. Everyday coming back to home from work was stressful & made feel like crazy and even worse to handle her common sense. No common sense one. Now she moved out already, very Peaceful.
Now comes to another housemate. Which is my 2nd new housemate. At first she's quite good. She follows all the rules i've set. I told her. I really hate mess. Especially in the kitchen, toilet (even we are not sharing the toilet) & also the living hall. I am strictly telling her to straight away throwing out her smelly & wet waste & rubbish at outside rubbish compartment in front of our house. Not so difficult la to do that. Only open the door & you can throw easily. Just wrap your head with towel will do. No need to properly wear your hijab leh. What i want to say is. It's very easy & simple one to throw the rubbish outside. Not so complicated. Yeah i can see she's very consistent to do that until this week. I've catch her done what i hate twice & i really cannot tahan till i have to tell her. So yesterday she texted me something & without wasting time i told her my concerns.
Basically if you want to live with me. There are few rules you must comply.
First & the the most important rule is you must always keep the house CLEAN especially the common area that we share together, the kitchen, the hall. I dont mind if your room is a mess. Not my problem. But the sharing area is a must to always keep it clean. Especially the smelly & wet rubbish. I totally cannot handle bad smell that comes from other people waste. Because i have the kind of "penyakit". Aku ni sangattt penggelii. Sangattttt. So really cannot handle that.
2nd rule is no loud noise allowed. Hmmm. Especially during the night on weekdays. If you do that. Then you will be in a very big trouble. I hate noise! Especially when i am super tired. 😵
3rd rule. Never share & touch my stuff. I hate sharing. I dont allow people to use my things and i would not use other people things or space. Unless you're my loved ones (under some cicumtances i even hate when my family using my stuff). So if you are nobody to me. You should know your place.
4th rule. MYOB. Minding your own business would be great pleasure to me. Because i dont like people to be good & wanting to know about my personal life. You deal with your life. I deal with mine. I hate those that are always very kepochi about my personal matter. I dont judge your life. So you should ignore mine too. My life is not that special. I am just a nobody that lives with some other nobodies in this world. I live as what i want my life to be. You think i am bad? Not my problem. You think i'm arrogant. Yeah im glad you think like that. Because im tired already to deal with new people. I just want to live & take care of my current small circle. Just happy with them already & need no more.
Lastly this is a bit weird. But i have this perangai that i dont like to take food from those that are not close to me. I like it when my mom, my sister Cook for me. But i cannot accept if somebody i just get to know always offering me food. It makes me feel super annoying. But at the same time i also hate to reject their offer. So i hope nobody especially stranger dont offer me any kind of food. I hate it so much. Hahaha. In my current case. That person kept on offering me food & i've been constantly rejecting her food. I felt bad about rejecting it, seriously but i really was not comfortable with it. Next time if she offers food again. I want to tell her my thought, but i think she can read my mind already.🤔 I never receive food since then & i feel super good haha. Kbye
😬
So yesterday i made a mistake. I really didn;t notice the mistake. Yela kan nama pun mistake.
Without wasting time aku minta maaf la dekat client.
Tapi client punya response tu macam bagi aku deep giler masuk sampai ke jantung! hahaha
Lepas aku say sorry aku tak expect pun dia nak reply. Aku just say sorry untuk sedapkan hati aku je. haha
Dia punya ayat yang buat aku macam "Wah so touching"
Dia cakap macam ni "Tak apa Sarah. you revised je & buat adjustment. I pun tahu itu silap. masa i sudah finalize account baru i nampak. it's okay you jangan fikir you buat salah atau apa okay?"
Maybe bagi orang lain biasa jeee bunyi dia. tapi masa tu memang jujur aku terharu bila dia cakap macam tu.
Tak tahu kenapa hahahaha
Okay bye
Coffee ni one of my favourites after teh tarik or iced tea.
Aku pernah nekad nak stop minum coffee sebab aku rasa aku minum terlalu banyak yang sampai tahap tak boleh control. Aku mula rasa risau lepas aku kerap sakit kepala & kadang-kadang akan shaking tiba2. (tak sure kenapa tapi orang kata sebab over consume caffein pun boleh jadi)
So aku try stop. Tapi tak boleh.
Bulan puasa haritu. Aku tak terfikir pun untuk slow down coffee. Tapi, tak sure kenapa aku tak minum langsung coffee bulan puasa. Aku pun baru sedar yang aku tak minum coffee langsung.
Masa raya baru minum. Tu pun bukan buat sendiri. Aku pergi beraya rumah orang then tuan rumah hidang coffee. Kita minum je dengan enaknya. Memang layan~~~😂 sebab dah lama tak minum. Tapi, aku realise something. Aku macam tak addicted dah dengan coffee.
Sebab lepas aku minum tu. Takde pulak nak keep on minum coffee tu the next day. Macam biasa je rasa dia. Tak macam dulu la. Dulu aku pernah try nekad nak stop. Tapi one day aku terminum. Then, tiba2 hari seterusnya tak boleh stop minum. Dah failed plan aku. Haha
Hampir sebulan lebih jugak aku tak hadap coffee hari-hari. Mungkin dah berjaya tembuskan diri keluar daripada kepompong coffee. Ngeee. Minum biasa-biasa jee. Tapi, bila aku stop coffee ni memang aku perasan aku dah kurang migrain. Alhamdulillah.
Cuma, 2 hari terakhir ramadhan tu, aku tiba-tiba macam sesak nafas, kepala aku melayang & tangan shaking, jantung degup laju giler. Hari pertama kena memang aku panic giler. Rasa macam aku ni nak mati dah ke? Serius aku takut sangat masa tu. Dah la aku sorang sorang kat rumah. Jadi pulak masa aku tengah mandi2 nak pergi kerja. Memang scary sangat. Allah je tahu macam mana aku rasa waktu tu. Tapi, aku cepat cepat keluar toilet cari udara segar. Aku try cool down. Lama2 alhamdulillah okay. Aku bersiap pergi kerja macam biasa.
Esoknya, dalam pukul 3 pagi, aku kena lagi sekali. Tiba2 sesak nafas. Seriously aku tak tahu kenapa. Hari tu aku nak balik Kampung untuk cuti raya. Aku decide nak pergi klinik la nak check.
Aku cerita dekat doktor tu problem aku. Dia advise untuk buat ECG, then dia tengok jantung aku. Bacaan nutrition macam ada problem. Tak pasti kenapa. So dia suggest untuk buat blood test. Bila dah buat blood test. Alhamdulillah, result semua okay kecuali cholesterol jahat je tinggi. Standard doktor advise untuk kurangkan minuman bersusu, gula, fast food etc. Setahu aku, aku memang dah lama tak makan fast food. Tapi maybe aku jenis suka makan processed food macam goreng nugget atau sosej kat rumah. Mungkin kena kurangkan tu.
Doktor tu kata kita check in terms of medical part dulu nak make sure memang aku takde problem dari segi penyakit physical. Sebab tu dia suruh buat blood test. Kalau medical part okay, baru dia akan go to the next step, which is dari segi psychological part,. Aku dah pelik bila dia cakap macam tu. Tapi dia ada mention, dia kata dia bukan nak cakap aku gila ke apa. Tapi, simptom aku tu macam simptom panic attack. Lagi aku confuse. Selama ni dengar2 je tak faham langsung pasal panic attack ni. Aku pernah terlintas kt fikiran bila orang kata dia kena panic attack, aku rasa dorang tu lembik & macam buat2 je. Bila rasa sendiri baru faham seksa dia.
Doktor bagitahu aku dia tak boleh nak diagnose aku macam ni lagi, sebab benda ni long term process kena selalu monitor dia punya kekerapan tu at least 6 bulan, dia kata aku punya simptom ni macam ada kaitan dengan psikologi - anxiety. Which is aku tak berapa nak percaya la. Bagi aku personally, aku tak faham kenapa zaman sekarang ni ada penyakit pelik-pelik. Especially penyakit budak zaman sekarang. Dia kata simptom yang aku kena tu, ada kaitan dengan panic attack. Dia explain la kenapa anxiety, panic attack ni jadi kat seseorang. Apa yang aku faham. Katanya bila otak kita tak mampu nak tampung segala stress yang disebabkan oleh benda yang terjadi dalam masa serentak, maka dia akan effect body kita. Instead of dia keluar melalui emosi. Dia keluar menggunakan body kita. Body kita yang bagi reaction untuk semua stress tu.
Doktor tu tanya macam2 kat aku. Aku ada masalah apa2 ke etc. Aku jawab la memang 3 4 bulan ni aku stress sikit kat office. Sebab sekarang ni memang tak cukup staff bla bla bla. Tapi, aku rasa macam aku still boleh handle stress tu. Yela, kadang2 memang penat. Tipu la tak stress. Tapi, aku rasa stress aku tu manageable. Then, doktor tu kata. Tak semestinya bila kita rasa stress tu manageable badan kita boleh accept benda tu. Kadang2 kita tak perasan. Badan kita pun exhausted.
Then, dia kata lagi2 bila aku kerap jadi macam tu pagi2. Means otak aku trigger sebab waktu tu aku bersiap nak pergi kerja. Otak aku start fikir yang aku kena hadap stress tu. Sebab tu dia trigger & start panic. Lepas doktor tu cakap macam tu baru aku faham kenapa benda tu jadi pagi2.
Lepas jumpa doktor, dia tak bagi aku apa2 ubat. Dia kata just kena pantau je dulu sebab masih terlalu awal untuk diagnose. So aku pun akur jela. Memang seksa nak kena hadap sesak nafas tah pape tu. Tapi, ada la doktor tu bekalkan source video cara-cara nak overcome bila jadi lagi.
Esoknya tu raya. Bila raya aku tak fikir kerja. Happy happy je. Memang tak rasa dah sesak nafas whatever tu. Then, dah tiba sehari sebelum aku kena balik KL. Malam tu, aku tiba2 je sesak nafas balik. Huwaaa 😩 masa tu pressure gilerr, aku ingat takde dah nak jadi macam ni. So aku pun terfikir. Dia pressure sebab aku dah nak start balik KL & kerja. Sebab tu dia trigger. Stressss betulll.
Aku try cool down. Deep breath semua. Hilang benda tu. Aku tak boleh nak citer kat sesiapa pun. Sebab aku rasa benda ni susah orang nak faham. Kalau cerita pun orang fikir kita buat2. Sekarang baru aku faham perasaan orang2 yang kena tu. Cumanya aku tak faham kenapa dorang record masa dorang tengah panic 😂 aku masa kena tu nak pegang Phone pun tak mampu 😂😂 biarlah. Haha
Harini 2nd day aku kat KL lepas habis beraya. Esok nak start kerja dah. I've tried my best untuk buat apa2 persediaan yang patut. Aku try buat exercise sikit. Jaga makan. Kawal emosi. Cukup tidur. Dll.
Sekarang aku just nak fokus kerja tapi dalam masa yang sama ada work life balance. Means aku tak boleh push diri aku untuk buat kerja luar kemampuan aku. Cumanya aku tak tahu nak discuss dengan boss aku macam mana. Haihhh susahnyaa.
Takpelah. Wish me luck!!! 💪💪💪
